Hello Everyone
I hope you're all well.
For the past 5 months I have been working in telesales. I could dress it up for you and call it Delegate Sales Executive, as it is on my card, but we're all friends here and I have nothing to hide. I spend every day cold calling around 80 people a day. But, like rocky, when he chased the chicken around the yard to get fit to fight Apollo Creed, I too need a chicken to chase to get back my hunger and become international heavy weight champion of the world, so I happily suck it up.
But, with every experience, I pocket a small piece of wisdom that I finally got to cash in tonight. Here is my story - P.S. I wrote this 45 seconds after the end of the call so I assure you it is 99% word for word.
Today a personal dream came true. I finally connected with a telephone sales guy from India. He rang and tried it on, big time.
R - Hello, my name is Rashid and this is not a sales call.
M - Come on Rashid, you say that but you know and I know it is (P.S. I was pissed)
No, no, no sir, I do not want to sell you anything, I just want o talk
Ok, let’s talk
First off, what network are you connected to for your mobile?
Orange
Well I would like to congratulate you on your choice of network, they are a brilliant service, you must be very happy?
Rashid, my life is a constant hurricane of joyous delight, thanks to the many men and women who work countless hours bringing messages, through space, straight to my portable telephone receiver. It is a glorious age we live in, don’t you think?
Yes, it is. Orange is a superior network but I think I may have something that will interest you greatly!!!
Rashid! I am already interested. Talk to me.
OK, all I need is your first name and your telephone number and I will enter you in a draw to win £1000.
Rashid, let me tell you a story. For the past 5 months I have worked in telesales, an industry I had no previously experience in until I moved to the United Kingdom. I have become a student of the fine art of selling to strangers on the phone and in that time I have learnt a fundamental lesson. I know that there is no way you can offer me anything for free because if you could, the company you work for could not afford to employ you, but as a fellow telephone sales guy, I am prepared to keep talking to you on the telephone for as long as possible.
Don’t you want to enter the draw for £1000 pounds? Don’t you want to win £1000 pounds?
Rashid, I would love a £1000 pounds right now, wouldn’t you?
Yes, I would sir.
But Rashid I do not have £1000 pounds to give you, and you don’t have £1000 pounds to give me, just a bullshit promise that you and I know you can’t keep.
Oh no sir, I disagree. You could win £1000 pounds by simply giving me you first name and you mobile phone number, it’s as simple as that.
Rashid. Today my boss came up to me and said, Mike, well done. You have made x amount of calls and spent x amount of time on the phone today. Well done. But you have not done as well as so and so, he has spent more time on the phone than you. So Rashid I have something to offer to you and it beats the shit out of an empty promise of £1000 pounds. I want you to do something for me.
Yes
Stop looking at your scrip and listen to me for a moment.
Yes
Firstly, there is no way I will give you my name or phone number
But
Ba ba ba - Rashid !!! There is not way !!!
OK
OK, Do you get judged on the amount of calls you make?
Yes
Do you get judged on the length of calls you make in a day?
Yes
Do you get commission on sales?
No
So as long as you are on the phone and it is clocking up the hours you are doing a good job.
Yes
Cool, So let’s just talk.
No, no sir, you must see the benefit of giving me some details so I can put you in the draw.
Rashid!! You are not listening to me !! I am your friend, you alley, your ticket to the next thirty minutes of no work. Your free pass away from the countless dickheads you will have to call who abuse you, hang up on you, call you a fucking prick. I am the greatest call you will ever make. Live a little. Suck it up. Work with me.
No, I must talk to you about phones
No you don’t. Are you logged onto the internet right now?
Yes
Are you logged on to your email account?
Yes
Are you in India?
Yes
Then let me tell you something. I will happily sit on the phone with you for the next 40 minutes while you email your friends and look up job sites on the internet while I watch TV. You don’t even have to talk to me. All you have to do is keep the phone to your ear and occasionally say something. I will sit here watching TV and you can do whatever you want, what do you say?
Oh no sir, I am very busy and need to talk to people about mobile phones.
Rashid. Are your calls monitored?
Yes
Is someone listening to you right now?
maybe
If I keep talking, will I get you in trouble?
Um, yes
Well fuck your supervisor, he’s a dumb cunt, come on say it !!!
He’s a dumb cunt. It’s you and me Rashid, lets fuck em all !!!!
I have to go .
Don’t hang up on me Rashid, we are making real progress.
I am sorry but I have to go.
You’re a telesales man Rashid, you don’t hang up on me, I hang up on you.
Good bye
Rashid!”!!!! Nooooooo !!!!!!
Beeeeeeeeeeeep
We're in Ireland next week to see U2 in Dublin. Life doesn't get much better!
Mike
