Mike's No Bullshit Tour - Hebrew Free
Hello everyone
Since we last spoke we've had a leaving party with our Jewish buddies, moved out of West Kensington, moved into Holland Park, had a massive house warming party , wrote a horror movie, spent 4 days cruising down a Welsh canal and desecrated a national monument.
The night we left The Chose People was great. Jesus and Barbra Streisand had invited some of their Hebrew friends over and we had a ball. I got some close-up photos of The Messiah's non-fingerprints and we all took turns wearing his broken nose splint.
We moved in to a cool place in Kensington in Feb with Mick and Trace from Sydney and life is now good. Their friend, Kelly, was a bit of a surprise arrival to all of us, including Mick and Trace, who invited herself to stay with no warning or thanks but is happily sleeping on the couch and paying rent, so we are happy to have her. To make sure she doesn’t get too comfy, Mick and I have been lying around in our jocks a lot and maintaining a steady campaign of farting, burping and eating food off the floor. In fact she moved out this weekend (now we just have to convince Simone and Tracey to stay.)
I think the final straw came for Kelly when she had to wax Mick’s legs. She’s a beauty therapist and needed to practise so Mick kindly volunteered. Craig Auld (X-Sony) and I stepped through the front door one day to see Mick bent over a chair, half naked with Kelly standing behind him. With an almighty rip, she pulled back a massive piece of wax-paper covered in black hair. He screamed, I screamed and we haven’t seen Auldie since.
The house warming party was unnecessarily big. Nothing more to report.
Finally started travelling again. We hired a longboat for 4 days and cruised up the Welsh canals to Brecon. It was so amazing. I won’t bore you with details but it was like stepping into The Shire in Lord of the Rings, minus hobbits.
I wrote a horror movie on the boat. It’s called The Creature of Brecon and stars Justin Timberlake as me. He gets killed early by being crushed by a bridge. You’ll love it. Unfortunately I lost the script in a London pub last week so I have to write it again. If a movie ever comes out about a massive lizard-man who terrorises a group of teenagers in a Welsh boat then let me know because it’s my story.
I have to make special mention to the organisers of our Trip, Jez and Bink. They organised the boat, they researched the area, they read the books, they had every pub sussed and gave us the time of our lives.
However, I have a small issue with the man of the boat, Jez. We were giving specific instructions on toilet use by the boat owner who walked us through the flush system. She warned us not to stick anything big in there because it had a small storage tank that would clog easily if we used it too much. I watched the demonstration while Jez loaded the boat. Afterwards, I pulled Jez aside and went through the procedure with him. There were plenty of toilets up and down the canal so I told him the unwritten rule was that you didn't go in the boat.
So what does Jez do?. He spends the entire day eating Easter Eggs and Cheese. That night I seriously thought he was in labour. Although the boat is solid, the inner walls are not so we heard every drop, splash, spray, fart, plop, groan, spray-fart, and most alarmingly - a hell of a lot of giggling. His claim of picking up a ‘water-bug’ fell on deaf ears as no one else had suffered this and we all drank the same water. It’s a simple equation. You eat handfuls of chocolate, 2 slabs of cheese, 10 beers and half a stick of polish salami and the gut-police put up the white flag and
send it south. …..and why were you laughing in the toilet you sick man ? Why ? It was 2am !! So the toilet blocked up and the smell was just lovely. Luckily we were all too drunk to notice.
Sydney-Mick just scored a job that comes with a car so yesterday we headed off to see one of my favourite UK sites, Stonehenge. Naturally we gave it the respect it deserves by posing next to it for photos with our pants down. It’s what the Druids would have wanted. As soon as I work out how to post photos on a website I’ll send you the link and you can see our adventure first hand.
I hope you're all well and a Big Happy Birthday to my sister, Helen, who turned early 30’s again last week.
To come …………………
2 weeks - Venice with Mick and Trace
10 weeks - U2 in Ireland with Vib and Auldie
14 weeks - my little sister arrives- get ready Kaz !!!
16 weeks - Ibiza !!!!
Mike
Since we last spoke we've had a leaving party with our Jewish buddies, moved out of West Kensington, moved into Holland Park, had a massive house warming party , wrote a horror movie, spent 4 days cruising down a Welsh canal and desecrated a national monument.
The night we left The Chose People was great. Jesus and Barbra Streisand had invited some of their Hebrew friends over and we had a ball. I got some close-up photos of The Messiah's non-fingerprints and we all took turns wearing his broken nose splint.
We moved in to a cool place in Kensington in Feb with Mick and Trace from Sydney and life is now good. Their friend, Kelly, was a bit of a surprise arrival to all of us, including Mick and Trace, who invited herself to stay with no warning or thanks but is happily sleeping on the couch and paying rent, so we are happy to have her. To make sure she doesn’t get too comfy, Mick and I have been lying around in our jocks a lot and maintaining a steady campaign of farting, burping and eating food off the floor. In fact she moved out this weekend (now we just have to convince Simone and Tracey to stay.)
I think the final straw came for Kelly when she had to wax Mick’s legs. She’s a beauty therapist and needed to practise so Mick kindly volunteered. Craig Auld (X-Sony) and I stepped through the front door one day to see Mick bent over a chair, half naked with Kelly standing behind him. With an almighty rip, she pulled back a massive piece of wax-paper covered in black hair. He screamed, I screamed and we haven’t seen Auldie since.
The house warming party was unnecessarily big. Nothing more to report.
Finally started travelling again. We hired a longboat for 4 days and cruised up the Welsh canals to Brecon. It was so amazing. I won’t bore you with details but it was like stepping into The Shire in Lord of the Rings, minus hobbits.
I wrote a horror movie on the boat. It’s called The Creature of Brecon and stars Justin Timberlake as me. He gets killed early by being crushed by a bridge. You’ll love it. Unfortunately I lost the script in a London pub last week so I have to write it again. If a movie ever comes out about a massive lizard-man who terrorises a group of teenagers in a Welsh boat then let me know because it’s my story.
I have to make special mention to the organisers of our Trip, Jez and Bink. They organised the boat, they researched the area, they read the books, they had every pub sussed and gave us the time of our lives.
However, I have a small issue with the man of the boat, Jez. We were giving specific instructions on toilet use by the boat owner who walked us through the flush system. She warned us not to stick anything big in there because it had a small storage tank that would clog easily if we used it too much. I watched the demonstration while Jez loaded the boat. Afterwards, I pulled Jez aside and went through the procedure with him. There were plenty of toilets up and down the canal so I told him the unwritten rule was that you didn't go in the boat.
So what does Jez do?. He spends the entire day eating Easter Eggs and Cheese. That night I seriously thought he was in labour. Although the boat is solid, the inner walls are not so we heard every drop, splash, spray, fart, plop, groan, spray-fart, and most alarmingly - a hell of a lot of giggling. His claim of picking up a ‘water-bug’ fell on deaf ears as no one else had suffered this and we all drank the same water. It’s a simple equation. You eat handfuls of chocolate, 2 slabs of cheese, 10 beers and half a stick of polish salami and the gut-police put up the white flag and
send it south. …..and why were you laughing in the toilet you sick man ? Why ? It was 2am !! So the toilet blocked up and the smell was just lovely. Luckily we were all too drunk to notice.
Sydney-Mick just scored a job that comes with a car so yesterday we headed off to see one of my favourite UK sites, Stonehenge. Naturally we gave it the respect it deserves by posing next to it for photos with our pants down. It’s what the Druids would have wanted. As soon as I work out how to post photos on a website I’ll send you the link and you can see our adventure first hand.
I hope you're all well and a Big Happy Birthday to my sister, Helen, who turned early 30’s again last week.
To come …………………
2 weeks - Venice with Mick and Trace
10 weeks - U2 in Ireland with Vib and Auldie
14 weeks - my little sister arrives- get ready Kaz !!!
16 weeks - Ibiza !!!!
Mike
posted by Gazza @ 9:09 am
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