Mike's No Bullshit Tour Diary - Flatmates
Hi everyone
I dedicate this email to my wonderful sister, helen, and her equally wonderful boyfriend Rich, for inviting us to their house for Christmas. Thanks guys, we had a ball.
I hope you all had a great christmas and are looking forward to 2005, the year of the final Star Wars film....or is it?? Yes fellow nerds, I believe there will be 3 more and I for one welcome such excess. I also believe that Mark Hamel, Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford will all come back in their original roles as older Jedi's and parents of the new guard. We can only hope.
We haven't been on any European adventures since I last emailed you but we did move into a new flat with some complete strangers, a couple - girl from sydney, guy from canada. That has not gone well. We arrived on their doorstep a few weeks ago, bright and early on a Sunday morning. They had just got back from sydney and were terribly jet-lagged. We had successfully applied for the room through their friends so we had not actually met them yet.
We said our hellos, dumped our stuff and said we'd pop down to the shops while they wake up. The said that this was not necessary as they wanted to go to the gym, but we headed out anyway. When we returned 20 minutes later, the house was empty, which was perfect for unpacking. I was then struck by a farting-fit which lasted a good 30 minutes. At one point I was farting so much that I was heard to shout, (FART) "OH MY GOD, I CAN'T STOP FARTING", then, (FART) "I AM A FARTING MACHINE", and then (FART) "I'M GOING TO STINK THE HOUSE OUT". 20 minutes later our flat mates emerged from their bedroom looking white. They had decided not to go to the gym after all and had been listening to me the whole time.
Strike one for me and the beginning of 24 hours of uncomfortable silence.
I thought I'd make it up to them by heading down to the shops and stocking up on christmas decorations as they had not had a chance to christmas-a-fy the house because they'd been away. I walked into the living room with a santa mask on, a small tree, some tinsel and a nativity scene shouting HO HO HO. Surprise !!!!. ..........strike two for me. How was I supposed to know they were Jewish. They were quick to point out that they didn't celebrate christmas because if was against their religion. Our bedroom is now chock-o-block with christmas decorations.
A few days later we were all sitting on the couch and I flicked on the TV. The Eastenders Christmas special was on (I love Eastenders, it is awesome and I really wanted to watch this), but after my last gaff I thought I'd be sensitive to their wishes. I quickly changed the channel only to find another show about christmas. I ask them what they wanted to watch and they said "anything but christmas specials". I changed the channel again. Another christmas show!! I said, "We are not having much luck here, one channel to go", I flicked again, and to my horror our eyes met the unmistakable image of Adolf Hitler screaming into a crowd of hysterical german nationals with his hand outstretched, sig-hail style. Seems channel 4 decided to screen a documentary on the secound world war. I turned to the couple and said, "How's the Eastenders Christmas special looking now?", They just stared at
the set with her mouths open. I quickly changed the channel. So much for the jewish sense of humour.
So it's strike 3 and we're only 2 week's in. I also drank his beer, used their salt, ate some of their ham (yes, that's right...they eat pork - bloody pretenders) and as soon as they leave the house to go out I rush into their bedroom and jump up and down on their bed. (I know it's bad but I can't resist, it's the naughty-boy syndrome I can't shake) . To make matters worse, we have to break the news to them that we are leaving at the end of feb to move in with our good friends from Sydney, Mick and Trace. So now we have a mission to be the worst flat mates of all time so that when we give them the news they will be over the moon. I'm tossing up whether to buy a cat, start smoking in the kitchen or just start wearing her clothes around the house. I'm sure I'll be able to piss them off naturally anyway so I'm not worried.
We can't wait for Mick and Trace to move in. I know Mick and I will be competing daily to gross each other out so I'm guaranteed not to offend him.
Have a great new year's eve and speak soon.
Mike
I dedicate this email to my wonderful sister, helen, and her equally wonderful boyfriend Rich, for inviting us to their house for Christmas. Thanks guys, we had a ball.
I hope you all had a great christmas and are looking forward to 2005, the year of the final Star Wars film....or is it?? Yes fellow nerds, I believe there will be 3 more and I for one welcome such excess. I also believe that Mark Hamel, Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford will all come back in their original roles as older Jedi's and parents of the new guard. We can only hope.
We haven't been on any European adventures since I last emailed you but we did move into a new flat with some complete strangers, a couple - girl from sydney, guy from canada. That has not gone well. We arrived on their doorstep a few weeks ago, bright and early on a Sunday morning. They had just got back from sydney and were terribly jet-lagged. We had successfully applied for the room through their friends so we had not actually met them yet.
We said our hellos, dumped our stuff and said we'd pop down to the shops while they wake up. The said that this was not necessary as they wanted to go to the gym, but we headed out anyway. When we returned 20 minutes later, the house was empty, which was perfect for unpacking. I was then struck by a farting-fit which lasted a good 30 minutes. At one point I was farting so much that I was heard to shout, (FART) "OH MY GOD, I CAN'T STOP FARTING", then, (FART) "I AM A FARTING MACHINE", and then (FART) "I'M GOING TO STINK THE HOUSE OUT". 20 minutes later our flat mates emerged from their bedroom looking white. They had decided not to go to the gym after all and had been listening to me the whole time.
Strike one for me and the beginning of 24 hours of uncomfortable silence.
I thought I'd make it up to them by heading down to the shops and stocking up on christmas decorations as they had not had a chance to christmas-a-fy the house because they'd been away. I walked into the living room with a santa mask on, a small tree, some tinsel and a nativity scene shouting HO HO HO. Surprise !!!!. ..........strike two for me. How was I supposed to know they were Jewish. They were quick to point out that they didn't celebrate christmas because if was against their religion. Our bedroom is now chock-o-block with christmas decorations.
A few days later we were all sitting on the couch and I flicked on the TV. The Eastenders Christmas special was on (I love Eastenders, it is awesome and I really wanted to watch this), but after my last gaff I thought I'd be sensitive to their wishes. I quickly changed the channel only to find another show about christmas. I ask them what they wanted to watch and they said "anything but christmas specials". I changed the channel again. Another christmas show!! I said, "We are not having much luck here, one channel to go", I flicked again, and to my horror our eyes met the unmistakable image of Adolf Hitler screaming into a crowd of hysterical german nationals with his hand outstretched, sig-hail style. Seems channel 4 decided to screen a documentary on the secound world war. I turned to the couple and said, "How's the Eastenders Christmas special looking now?", They just stared at
the set with her mouths open. I quickly changed the channel. So much for the jewish sense of humour.
So it's strike 3 and we're only 2 week's in. I also drank his beer, used their salt, ate some of their ham (yes, that's right...they eat pork - bloody pretenders) and as soon as they leave the house to go out I rush into their bedroom and jump up and down on their bed. (I know it's bad but I can't resist, it's the naughty-boy syndrome I can't shake) . To make matters worse, we have to break the news to them that we are leaving at the end of feb to move in with our good friends from Sydney, Mick and Trace. So now we have a mission to be the worst flat mates of all time so that when we give them the news they will be over the moon. I'm tossing up whether to buy a cat, start smoking in the kitchen or just start wearing her clothes around the house. I'm sure I'll be able to piss them off naturally anyway so I'm not worried.
We can't wait for Mick and Trace to move in. I know Mick and I will be competing daily to gross each other out so I'm guaranteed not to offend him.
Have a great new year's eve and speak soon.
Mike
posted by Gazza @ 1:07 am
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