Mike's No Bullshit Tour Diary - Amsterdam
Hello
I'm very fond of the saying, "When In Rome, Eat Italian", because it sums up the spirit of the traveler. The adventurer who wants to absorb the wonders of the place they visit and the desire to assimilate into the culture at hand. To throw off the shackles of your birthplace and gently slip into the warm waters of a lifestyle different from your homeland.
With this commandment strapped to my chest, I gleefully jetted off to the land of drugs and porn....amsterdam.
(WARNING - THIS EMAIL HAS STRONG LANGUAGE, DRUG REFERENCES AND ADULT THEMES)
Mike's No-Bullshit Tour Diary - Amsterdam
(This email actually does have a lot of bullshit in it so you might want to print it off and read it when you've got time)
Lets get this out in the open right from the word go. I was stoned non-stop for 4 days straight and it was glorious. We got off the plane, got to our hotel, dumped our stuff, travelled to a cafe as fast as we could, ate eggs and bacon, drank coffee and sucked on 2 enormous joints. Hello Breakfast !!! Then we stepped it up a gear and the rest is history.
It would be criminal of me not to mention how beautiful this city is and just concentrate on the filth...and don't worry, it's coming, but I must stress what an absolutely awesome place this is. I've never felt so at home away from home. The people, the food, the city, the parks, the markets. Absolutely stunning. I could easily live here forever. Fav place so far. The best part of the trip was sharing it with our good friends Jez & Bink and their mate, Chris. We had a ball and did not hold back on anything.
OK, It's all a bit of a daze but luckily I did write some stuff down along the way. Going back over my notes has been amusing because none of it makes sense, especially the pages where I try to work out a peaceful union between Israel and Palestine using pets. My theory was based on people walking towards each other carrying dogs, cats or rabbits and that how that act would make it harder for people to shoot you. Did I mention I was stoned for 4 days?
Here's the highlights, in no particular order -
Chris falling onto some guy's lap on a tram when it jolted forward. We laughed so much we had to smoke a joint.
The dogs in the park. This was my #1 highlight. This is such a dog town and none of them have leads. It's so free and happy and they don't fight. They were having so much fun that I swear I could hear them laughing. We sat for ages watching them, while smoking pot. It was ace.
The Red Light District - What can I say. There were nude women smiling and waving at me in the middle of the street. I'll say that again. There were nude women smiling and waving at me in the middle of the street. And the best part is ...IT'S A TOURIST ATTRACTION !!! Whoo Hoo. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be saying the line, "Simone, give me 2 Euro, I
going to a peep show with the boys". Her answer was yes of course because...IT'S A TOURIST ATTRACTION !!!. Why go to Disneyland and not go and see Micky Mouse....naked. Now, lads....these weren't your average crack-head-skinny-weird-chick hookers, these girls could have been delivering an Oscars speech. We celebrated by dropping into another coffee shop and having a spliff .
the town square is like venice in the wild west. You get the feeling that it's a cowboy town not far from the frontier. If some guy on a horse came riding into town yelling "The Indians are coming", I wouldn't have battered an eye lid. I did, however, bat an eyelid when I saw a guy at the Amsterdam train station dressed as a smurf. Completely painted blue. I tried to get a photo with him but we couldn't move as we had just sparked up a dooby.
Found this cool brandy bar built in 1629. They had 30-40 flavours to choose from and we ended up there every night. It was a good change as we had got sick of smoking marijuana with coffee. It was called the WhaNat Fukig, which is pronounced, Why Not Fucking. Why not indeed
Tapas restaurant. We ate the equivalent of Sudan's latest UN drop. It should have killed us but we got through it. It was Simone's 30th birthday so we got her a cake and after we'd lit our joints off the candles, we let her blow them out.
they sell chips in peanut sauce. nuff said. taste great with the gungha
the people are so tall. like big elves. Some of the women were giants. I instantly checked out their shoes (straight after their boobs and bum) to see if they wore heels but not to be. Most had flat shoes on. This we discussed for ages over beer and spliffs
they have discovered the secret to killing McDonalds and KFC. They provide a better, cheaper, faster, tastier alternative. It's a place called Febo and I literally fell in love. It's a vending machine store that sells breadcrumb covered croquets in a variety of flavours. I can't eat it any more because I reached critical consumption levels by the 3rd day. These stores seemed to follow me around and jump out at me every time I had a joint. Eat me Eat me. It was a scary, evil presence that took hold of me and I couldn't shake it off. Please do not let them invade australia.
We went into a few coffee shops to smoke pot. I think we were hitting at least 5 a day but I could be wrong, it could be more. One place we went into had a live webcam in the room. I hope no one was watching. It wasn't pretty.
The Kasmir Lounge. Imagine this .....if you can. Go into a cool salon with indian decor, walk up to the bar and order a lemonade and a gram of....well, .."give us somethig that won't blow our mind but will have us laughing our arse off all afternoon." "You'll be after the Crystal Budday 2000".said the barman, ..... "then bag it up my good man and deliver it to us pronto" "Oh, and Innkeeper, would you mind rolling that for us, I'm feeling a bit lazy, here's your 8 bucks." Then go and sit on a pile of cushions that face a window that looks out onto the street and light that huge number and watch the world go by for 3 hours, playing cards. Does it get much better than that. no it does not !!!
The porn shops. Wall to Wall porn videos and dildos all the colours of the rainbow. It's hard to focus on one cover because it's just a sea of flesh and weird positions. To try and not look like a tourist you had to occasionally pick one up and study the cover to make it look like you were a
customer and not some weird freak. Why is it, I ask you, that every video I picked up have some guy doing it with a labrador or large horse. My hand seemed to be drawn to the animal sex videos unconsciously every time. I kept having Simone coming up to me saying what are you looking at and in my hands was a video with a guy blowing a tortoise or something. I did get a kick out of walking up to people looking at massive life-like dildos and pointing at it saying, "I didn't authorize that". I got a couple of laughs but generally people looked pretty angry.
One time, we got particularly bent and stumbled into a spice shop that had at least 5 big sample tables. We all stuffed ourselves with shitloads of crackers and dips. The owners must have thought they were going to make a fortune. when we had eaten as much as we could we all paid for a 2 dollar sample pot and walked out. Ahhh Amsterdam, you have an answer to every
question
Jez and Bink's friend lives in Amsterdam and he kindly took us for a ride in his boat through all the canals. We have learnt that to see Paris you need a bike, to see the Dam you have to use the water. All the leaves were brown but the sky was not grey, in fact it was blue and crisp like a good day on the sky fields, and just as cold at times. It was so peaceful and beautiful. All you could here was the trams and Jez flicking on the lighter to ignite another number.
Real News - simone landed an awesome job that will support the both of us. so I've decided to stop taking the pill and I should be pregnant any day now. I'm planning on being a soccer mum by Easter. I just need a Uterus.
Real News - I'm still working at Virgin Megastore.
Real News - It's getting colder and darker and we're loving it. We might have a white Christmas.
Real News - Fireworks are legal, I repeat, Fireworks are legal and this Friday night is firecracker night. I've topped up my insurance and I'm ready to go. I wouldn't want to be a cat this weekend
Real News - We're looking for a flat. If anyone knows anyone in London doing the same then contact me now.
Bye
I'm very fond of the saying, "When In Rome, Eat Italian", because it sums up the spirit of the traveler. The adventurer who wants to absorb the wonders of the place they visit and the desire to assimilate into the culture at hand. To throw off the shackles of your birthplace and gently slip into the warm waters of a lifestyle different from your homeland.
With this commandment strapped to my chest, I gleefully jetted off to the land of drugs and porn....amsterdam.
(WARNING - THIS EMAIL HAS STRONG LANGUAGE, DRUG REFERENCES AND ADULT THEMES)
Mike's No-Bullshit Tour Diary - Amsterdam
(This email actually does have a lot of bullshit in it so you might want to print it off and read it when you've got time)
Lets get this out in the open right from the word go. I was stoned non-stop for 4 days straight and it was glorious. We got off the plane, got to our hotel, dumped our stuff, travelled to a cafe as fast as we could, ate eggs and bacon, drank coffee and sucked on 2 enormous joints. Hello Breakfast !!! Then we stepped it up a gear and the rest is history.
It would be criminal of me not to mention how beautiful this city is and just concentrate on the filth...and don't worry, it's coming, but I must stress what an absolutely awesome place this is. I've never felt so at home away from home. The people, the food, the city, the parks, the markets. Absolutely stunning. I could easily live here forever. Fav place so far. The best part of the trip was sharing it with our good friends Jez & Bink and their mate, Chris. We had a ball and did not hold back on anything.
OK, It's all a bit of a daze but luckily I did write some stuff down along the way. Going back over my notes has been amusing because none of it makes sense, especially the pages where I try to work out a peaceful union between Israel and Palestine using pets. My theory was based on people walking towards each other carrying dogs, cats or rabbits and that how that act would make it harder for people to shoot you. Did I mention I was stoned for 4 days?
Here's the highlights, in no particular order -
Chris falling onto some guy's lap on a tram when it jolted forward. We laughed so much we had to smoke a joint.
The dogs in the park. This was my #1 highlight. This is such a dog town and none of them have leads. It's so free and happy and they don't fight. They were having so much fun that I swear I could hear them laughing. We sat for ages watching them, while smoking pot. It was ace.
The Red Light District - What can I say. There were nude women smiling and waving at me in the middle of the street. I'll say that again. There were nude women smiling and waving at me in the middle of the street. And the best part is ...IT'S A TOURIST ATTRACTION !!! Whoo Hoo. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be saying the line, "Simone, give me 2 Euro, I
going to a peep show with the boys". Her answer was yes of course because...IT'S A TOURIST ATTRACTION !!!. Why go to Disneyland and not go and see Micky Mouse....naked. Now, lads....these weren't your average crack-head-skinny-weird-chick hookers, these girls could have been delivering an Oscars speech. We celebrated by dropping into another coffee shop and having a spliff .
the town square is like venice in the wild west. You get the feeling that it's a cowboy town not far from the frontier. If some guy on a horse came riding into town yelling "The Indians are coming", I wouldn't have battered an eye lid. I did, however, bat an eyelid when I saw a guy at the Amsterdam train station dressed as a smurf. Completely painted blue. I tried to get a photo with him but we couldn't move as we had just sparked up a dooby.
Found this cool brandy bar built in 1629. They had 30-40 flavours to choose from and we ended up there every night. It was a good change as we had got sick of smoking marijuana with coffee. It was called the WhaNat Fukig, which is pronounced, Why Not Fucking. Why not indeed
Tapas restaurant. We ate the equivalent of Sudan's latest UN drop. It should have killed us but we got through it. It was Simone's 30th birthday so we got her a cake and after we'd lit our joints off the candles, we let her blow them out.
they sell chips in peanut sauce. nuff said. taste great with the gungha
the people are so tall. like big elves. Some of the women were giants. I instantly checked out their shoes (straight after their boobs and bum) to see if they wore heels but not to be. Most had flat shoes on. This we discussed for ages over beer and spliffs
they have discovered the secret to killing McDonalds and KFC. They provide a better, cheaper, faster, tastier alternative. It's a place called Febo and I literally fell in love. It's a vending machine store that sells breadcrumb covered croquets in a variety of flavours. I can't eat it any more because I reached critical consumption levels by the 3rd day. These stores seemed to follow me around and jump out at me every time I had a joint. Eat me Eat me. It was a scary, evil presence that took hold of me and I couldn't shake it off. Please do not let them invade australia.
We went into a few coffee shops to smoke pot. I think we were hitting at least 5 a day but I could be wrong, it could be more. One place we went into had a live webcam in the room. I hope no one was watching. It wasn't pretty.
The Kasmir Lounge. Imagine this .....if you can. Go into a cool salon with indian decor, walk up to the bar and order a lemonade and a gram of....well, .."give us somethig that won't blow our mind but will have us laughing our arse off all afternoon." "You'll be after the Crystal Budday 2000".said the barman, ..... "then bag it up my good man and deliver it to us pronto" "Oh, and Innkeeper, would you mind rolling that for us, I'm feeling a bit lazy, here's your 8 bucks." Then go and sit on a pile of cushions that face a window that looks out onto the street and light that huge number and watch the world go by for 3 hours, playing cards. Does it get much better than that. no it does not !!!
The porn shops. Wall to Wall porn videos and dildos all the colours of the rainbow. It's hard to focus on one cover because it's just a sea of flesh and weird positions. To try and not look like a tourist you had to occasionally pick one up and study the cover to make it look like you were a
customer and not some weird freak. Why is it, I ask you, that every video I picked up have some guy doing it with a labrador or large horse. My hand seemed to be drawn to the animal sex videos unconsciously every time. I kept having Simone coming up to me saying what are you looking at and in my hands was a video with a guy blowing a tortoise or something. I did get a kick out of walking up to people looking at massive life-like dildos and pointing at it saying, "I didn't authorize that". I got a couple of laughs but generally people looked pretty angry.
One time, we got particularly bent and stumbled into a spice shop that had at least 5 big sample tables. We all stuffed ourselves with shitloads of crackers and dips. The owners must have thought they were going to make a fortune. when we had eaten as much as we could we all paid for a 2 dollar sample pot and walked out. Ahhh Amsterdam, you have an answer to every
question
Jez and Bink's friend lives in Amsterdam and he kindly took us for a ride in his boat through all the canals. We have learnt that to see Paris you need a bike, to see the Dam you have to use the water. All the leaves were brown but the sky was not grey, in fact it was blue and crisp like a good day on the sky fields, and just as cold at times. It was so peaceful and beautiful. All you could here was the trams and Jez flicking on the lighter to ignite another number.
Real News - simone landed an awesome job that will support the both of us. so I've decided to stop taking the pill and I should be pregnant any day now. I'm planning on being a soccer mum by Easter. I just need a Uterus.
Real News - I'm still working at Virgin Megastore.
Real News - It's getting colder and darker and we're loving it. We might have a white Christmas.
Real News - Fireworks are legal, I repeat, Fireworks are legal and this Friday night is firecracker night. I've topped up my insurance and I'm ready to go. I wouldn't want to be a cat this weekend
Real News - We're looking for a flat. If anyone knows anyone in London doing the same then contact me now.
Bye
posted by Gazza @ 8:34 pm
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