Mike's No Bullshit Tour Diary - Star Sighting 2 and Why I Went Camping Again

Hi Everyone

Star Sighting No. 2

Today I was waiting to cross a busy street in Kensington filled with slow moving traffic when a tall women pushing a young baby in a pram pulled up beside me. We waited for 2 minutes before I thought I'd do the right thing and stepped out in front of a cab and stop the traffic so she could get across safetly. When we got to the other side she turned and thanked me, I
faced her for the first time and said, "You're welcome.........Elle Macpherson".

Footnote - It was actually my 3rd star sighting, but I didn't think it was worth counting a tired looking Jason Donovan peddling his pushbike past my front door worthy of your interest.

Why I Went Camping Again

Camping is great fun when you go with a group of people. It seems that I had it all wrong. Camping isn't boring when your Married, Marriage is boring when your camping. We needed outside conversational stimulii and thankfully we were gifted by the presence of our good friends Jez and Bink, and a new pal, Chris. We had a great time, got drunk, told stories, played cards, went to a market, saw a castle, saw the Isle of White, fun times, great company.

Here's a few extended anecdotes that happened to me while my fellow campers slept in

Story 1

We camped in the New Forest, which is 2 hours sth of London and covered with wild ponies. These things are everywhere. I woke up one morning to no less than 15 small shetland ponies standing around our tent. I'm a bit of a nature boy so I was giddy with joy. I sat on a stump next to our tent and it wasn't long before they were fighting amongst themselves for my attention. I
felt like Lord of the Ponies, or Cinderella in the enchanted forest. I had one pony restiing it's head on my chest while 2 others rubbed against my sides. I was cuddling them and giving them a big scratch. Nothing could spoil this image. I only wish simone and the others werre up to see me in nature-boy heaven. Imagine how proud I looked as the guy camping close to us walked by watching me attracting these mighty beasts. He smiled and said, "Watch out for the Ticks !"........ "Sorry, What was that?". The guy told me most ponies carry bush ticks that can give you LYME DISEASE !!!!!. I don't even know what that is but I was soon kicking these stinking dirty animals away. This is not a figure of speech. I kicked and slapped and pushed them away, much to the horror of the half a dozen young girls watching me.

story 2

Speaking of the girls, I was up a good 2 hours before the others so I went on a big walk around the camp site watching the ponies. I soon had a bit of a following with all these 12 year old girls who wanted to learn more from The Lord of the Ponies. So I told them nature stories and anything I could make up about horses. I was havig great fun with them when I felt a few eyes on me. It hadn't occured to me that a hung-over 34 year old wearing tracksuit pants, a rain coat and a beanie might look a bit suspicious walking around bushland with a dozen young children. I caught the gaze of some horrified parents and quickly said, "Well guys, nice talking to you, better be off" and quickly walked back to the tent. I few started walking with me and I may have mentioned that I was in fact the boogey man and they quickly ran away.

story 3

Note for travellers - DO NOT FEED THE PONIES. Not because it stuffs up there diet, not because it might make them sick, but because feeding ponies sugar cubes (stollen from local pub) is like giving violent street kids free crack, they tend to want more. On the 2nd morning I went for a long walk and got far enough away from the park rangers eyes and started dishing out my treats of rock brown sugar. I gave this pony a bit and as soon as he started chumping on it his eyes lit up like Maradonna on a tour of Columbia, and he wanted more. much more. I nearly died. This thing started ramming me with it's head and rearing up with it's front feet/holves. I was shitting myself . When it realised it wasn't getting any more, it spun around and started kicking. It got me square in the arse so I bolted. It started chasing me and a few of it's mates started chasing as well. I ended up throwing the rest of the sugar at them and bolted into bushes. I looked out into the clearing and these things were tripping out of control. They were all going crazy, kicking each other and making a lot fo noise. I crept back to the camp site and vowed never to do it again. You have been warmed. As the sign at the park says. "Ponies ! Lovely to Look At. Dangerous To Touch.

Here's a list of less interesting things I've done since last diary.

I got a job working in a record store in Piccadilly Circus. Shit pay, 30 Hours a week. I'm in heaven
Touched Mary Queen of Scots grave in Westminster Abbey. There's a lady with class
Saw Pete Murray in Shepherd's Bush with the Sony UK crew
Car broke down on the way back from camping, took us 9 hours to drive a 2 hour trip
Saw the Finn Brothers at Regent Park
Spent a day at Camden Markets
Went to my first club, Dust. Danced my feet off till 5am.

That's it. Amsterdam in 4 weeks.

Mike

My 1st UK Star Sighting

Hi There

My 1st UK star sighting was a big one. I just got back from the gym and who do you think was working out on the bench next to me for 1/2 an hour. Mr Robbie Williams, that's who. Although we didn't speak to each other, he did hold the door open for me once and said sorry when he knocked my arm while I was "pumping iron"

For the Ladies - he was wearing a tight white singlet with shiny black trackie dacks and was covered in sweat. Due to the darkness of his pants I did not get a clear indication whether or not his "butt" was tight or bouncy, but I assure you he did have one.

For the Lads - He started with the preacher curls, followed by an inclined bicep power set, coupled with the inclined hammer lift. Rob then moved on to tricep extensions before hitting the showers. Obviously going for the "arms-only" routine, common with girlie posers.

For Brisbane Lions Supporters and kiwi's- He is a singer from the UK

Needless to say, simone is regretting her decision not to come with me to the gym and no doubt my sister will start using her membership now. I would also like to point out that I was lifting heavier weights then he was and that I stayed for 40 minutes longer. (possibly because I need the work more than he but I prefer to think that he is soft and I am ....... not soft)

Over and out

Mike

Mike's No Bullshit Tour Diary - Sweden

Hi Everyone

It's great ! No one goes there so it's peaceful and full of cool local bars and clubs that are sadly lacking in the part of London we're in. Underground cellars in most pubs that shut you off from the world where you can do some serious bonding and an old world feel that has not been spoilt by intrusive marketing. People are friendly, air is clean, food is cheap and travel is easy.

Highlights -

*Eating Moose. I visited one at the Stockholm Zoo and then went home and ate one. I felt a bit guilty because I was always a Bullwinkle fan, but after a few bites I had to say, it was "Cartoon-alicious".

*Walking through the old town of Stockholm. We did it 5 times and never tired of it

*Laughing my arse off at their main museum which houses a perfectly preserved ancient war ship with double gun bays on each side. The dickheads took 2 years to build this incredible looking ship, only for it to tip over on it's maiden voyage in front of thousands of people watching it sail out of the harbour. I would steer clear of Ikea and Saabs from now on.

*I saw a guy wearing a cape. It was green and heavy and seemed part of his regular wardrobe

*Watching Stockholm's high standard of buskers. Examples - 7 piece Moroccan percussion group, 5 piece string quartet, Double Bass/Guitar duet, 3 piece American Indian pan flute band. Not one "statue" wanker to be seen. By-the-way, that's not busking in my books. Standing still is not worthy of anyone's spare change no matter hom much spray paint you're wearing

*seeing a respectable businessman in a suit with a black mesh see-through vest.

*Watching Sesame street in Swedish. I now have all the evidence I need. Ernie and Bert are gay. It's not till you watch them eating pepperoni pizza in bed together while speaking Swedish that the penny drops. P.S. I don't think Kermit was dubbed, he really seemed to know the language.

*seeing street signs with the word FARTIN on them. It means speed, so when ever there was a speed hump or a traffic sign asking you to slow down or speed up, it was there. I found myself giggling my stupid head off. You'd think that after the 50th time I'd get sick of it. You'd be wrong.

*getting drunk and playing on swings in a Stockholm playground at 3am with my mate and having some dude come up and offer us cocaine, ecstasy and hash. In fact they were the only 3 words of english he knew, including the word, No, and the phrase Fuck Off.

Lowlights -

*Not finding one Pinewood Hot-tub filled with 5 seven foot blond Swedish girls, calling out "Ya Mike, Com on zin! Ze Vater un Piping HOT!"

*eating salted licorice - a stockholm delicacy. It takes as shit as it sounds

*Finding out that Vikings never had horns on their helmets. So Haggard the Horrible, Fat Opera singers and Asterix have all been lieing to me

That's it.

Next week - Mike's No Bullshit Tour Diary - Jack The Ripper (Solved !)

Mike

National Monument

Hi Again,

I've had a few complaints that my photo didn't show off Europe's many major landmarks. So here's one for all you purests.

Mike

The Doctor

Hi

I'm In Sweden. I'm very, very drunk. This is the only photo I have that sums up my trip so far.

Love Mike